


Impromptu

by lemoninagin



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Comedy, Crack, Drabbles, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Kissing Meme, Lovey-Dovey, M/M, Multi, Novel Spoilers, Prompt Fill, Raijin Days, Roleplay, Smut, Unrequited Love, cat au......don't judge, everyone gets wrekt rip ikebukuro, except namie and tsuku cause they are King and Queen, izaya getting wrekt, post novel 13, rating varies between fics from g to e, shinra getting wrekt, shizuo joining in on getting wrekt, terrible haikus too bc i hate myself, the sunset with izaya spoilers, various short stories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:42:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6388819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemoninagin/pseuds/lemoninagin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various drabbles, ficlets, and poetry featuring many different couples (and none-couple) stories with a wide variety of themes! Most are based off of prompts I have received over time. Includes Sexy Fun Times™, Strange Happenings, and my personal favorite, <i>Was That Really Necessary?</i> Oh my! Looks like there's something here for the whole family to enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shizuo/Izaya - Rainy Redemption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from a kissing meme: 6: Gentle Peck, 10: Neck Kiss, 15: Kiss in the Rain. Rated T for Shizuo's filthy mouth. Post novel 13!
> 
> Let's start this off with something cute with a mild side order of angst!

“Izaya,” Shizuo sighs, shaking his head of water in a similar manner to a dog fresh out of a bath, “What the hell are you doing out here? I’ve been looking all over for you for the past hour.”

Despite the frustration shining through his tone, he doesn’t sound particularly angry, Izaya muses. He can hear the heavy footsteps of Shizuo stomping up behind him, splashing through puddles while grumbling something about getting water in his shoes and how it was all the fault of the ridiculousness of fleas.

Izaya doesn’t answer, choosing to watch as the thick raindrops pour steadily, following their movement over the side of the tall building as if they were the most interesting things in the world. The sound of Shizuo’s sloshing footsteps stop, and Izaya tips his head back, eyes closing as the soothing rain splatters over his eyelids. He doesn’t have to turn around to know Shizuo’s nose is crinkling in distaste at the damp, cold atmosphere.

“Come on, weirdo,” Shizuo nudges him gently, one hand loosely grasping around his wrist, “Let’s go back inside. You’re going to catch a cold, and I sure as hell ain’t taking care of your sick ass if that happens.”

It’s quite the lie there - Shizuo’s been faithfully helping him through his rehabilitation for the past several months without so much as a single complaint towards taking care of him when he needs it. Izaya lets it slide, leaning back against Shizuo for support and chuckling at the squelch of their soaked clothes squishing together. 

“Oh? I get it,” Izaya hums, his voice hard to hear over the roar of the rain that’s only growing stronger by the minute, “Shizu-chan was worried, huh?”

It was the first time Izaya had managed to walk up to the roof without needing any help, but for sure he’s feeling the effects of slightly over-exerting his body now. He’d been overjoyed when he’d first heard the pitter-patter of rain on the window, having been cooped up for days inside and beyond bored with just sitting around or working on small exercises here and there. One of his favorite past times had been skipping about in puddles, after all, and it had only been even more tempting from there to sneak out as Shizuo had gone shopping and wasn’t there watching him like a hawk as usual. 

The freedom he had felt leaving on his own, of making those awkward steps up the stairs, slowly but surely, was exhilarating in its own sense - but it was nothing compared to the feeling of finally making it there, of the refreshing shower instantly cooling his sweaty flesh when he flung the door to the roof entrance open, of breathing in the fresh, spring air while giggling like a child again. He’d even managed to try a small jump or two before a familiar pain shot up his legs, and he’d decided after that to simply just watch the rain roll down the gutters instead.

Shizuo heaves another exasperated sigh before wrapping his arms around him tightly, supporting the full of his weight. He presses a small kiss to the nape of Izaya’s neck, silently watching the rain with him while brushing back the hair plastered to his forehead.

“Of course I was, idiot,” comes the delayed reply after a moment, and Izaya’s surprised to hear such blatant honesty without any reluctance attached, “Don’t go disappearing off like that again. Or at least leave a fuckin’ note or something next time…”

Izaya thinks of Shizuo running around frantic in their apartment to conjure up some amusement to distract himself from the fact he suddenly can feel the cold seeping into his skin and settling deep into his bones, only to end up shivering more as the image pushes his mouth into a deeper frown. He turns around then, and Shizuo quirks an eyebrow at how rapid the movement is, though Izaya still manages to catch the end of an extremely concerned expression. 

Izaya feels an unfamiliar rush of adrenaline surge through his veins, and before Shizuo can say anything, his lips capture the unsaid words. His fingers tangle into Shizuo’s hair while Shizuo groans his appreciation into his mouth, one hand moving to cup his face as the other holds his weakened body steady.

It’s slick, passionate, and sloppy, water intermingling with spit as they breath each other in and out. Still, the pace is leisurely, and Shizuo is so gentle when he nibbles on his lip that Izaya is sure that an alien must have replaced his monstrous Shizu-chan with this strange imposter of Heiwajima Shizuo that he’s been seeing so much of lately.

When Izaya pulls away, Shizuo leans forward to give one last peck to his forehead, and Izaya is glad the cold is keeping the flush from being visible on his face. Shizuo mutters out a shaky, “Damn flea…” as he hoists Izaya onto his back, intending to get them back inside and into warm clothes, even though he realizes it’s a little too late for that when Izaya lets out a pathetic series of sneezes. 

Snuggling into the crook of Shizuo’s neck after regaining his composure somewhat, Izaya murmurs one last sentence before slipping off to sleep, breath warm and reassuring at his ear.

“Don’t worry, Shizu-chan. I promise I won’t ever leave again.”


	2. Izaya/Namie, side of Shizaya - Soaked to the Boner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip izaya. rated T

“Namie-san,” Izaya yells over the roar of the rain, banging on the door to their apartment again, “Come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I think we both know that you are taking me much too seriously.”

It’s not the first time Namie’s changed the locks on him while he’s been away, and for sure, it won’t be the last. Her voice filters through from the other side, stoic and cold as ever.

“Go dive into a pool filled with razorblades.”

Izaya groans, frustrated beyond belief. He’s already spent at least 30 minutes trying to convince her to let him back in - though much of that time has been wasted on trying to rationalize his previous actions

“Look, I really don’t have time to deal with you being overly-emotional today. I’ve got a meeting with Shiki in an hour, and I’d really appreciate it if I didn’t spend that next bit of time drowning out here!”

“Good, drown for all I care. Also, did I mention that you should dive into said death pool naked? Because you should.”

Namie sounds beyond bored now, and Izaya panics slightly at the thought she might just leave to go off and watch TV, turning up the volume as loud as she can to drown out his cries which has happened at least 3 times before - once to the point he even left to spend the night at Shinra’s instead.

“Alright Namie, what do you want?” He chooses to barter, knowing it won’t do him any good to wait it out this time with the thought of what it will do to his career if Shiki sees him like this - and more importantly, his ego, “Is it money? Do you want another raise?”

Namie laughs at him loudly, and Izaya can almost picture her wiping tears from her eyes and leaning on the door to support herself.

“Try again,” she says bitterly after a few minutes when she finally composes herself. 

Izaya wishes he could stab her straight in her unfeeling, dark heart. He wraps his arms around himself, trying to contain the heat that’s all but left his body now, soaked to the bone and body shivering. He heaves a deep sigh.

“…I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean what I said about Seiji-kun earlier,” the words pain him as they leave his mouth, each syllable feeling like a cheese grater shaving off a bit of his tongue, “Please, can’t you just let me in?”

“Better,” Namie admits, ”But no.”

“Tell me your terms,” Izaya grits out between his chattering teeth, already way over being humiliated in front of their neighbors for having to raise his voice just to be heard over the din of the poor weather.

There’s a pause before Namie answers.

“Up my pay by twice the amount it currently is, apologize to Seiji too, make a phone call to Heiwajima-san and tell him you ache to feel him pounding inside of you because you’re pathetic and weak, a month’s worth of paid vacation, and…” Namie trills off the last thing as if that’s somehow the worst of the blows,“…a week’s worth of cunnilingus with no reciprocation.”

Izaya is fine with all her terms except one, his face pale and blood running colder than his damp skin in his veins.

“What?! You can’t be serious! I can’t tell Shizu-chan that, he’ll really kill me!”

“Do it,” Namie states curtly, voice a thinly veiled snarl, “Or I am going to walk away right now, and perhaps I may never even let you in again. And don’t forget, I have that little mishap recorded of you screaming a certain someone else’s name after you came the other day, so a phone call to him can be arranged either way. I guess you just need to decide if it’s going to be on your terms or mine.”

Izaya knows better than to take her threats lightly, but there is absolute venom in his voice as he agrees with a barely contained, “Fine.” Too much loss of control would just be another weakness for her to exploit later on, though fury is burning heat rapidly back into his body. He really needs to figure out a way to delete that dreadful audio clip, but knowing Namie, she’s probably already made several backups.

The lock clicks, and the door is flung open so suddenly that Izaya falls back a little. Namie catches him, straightening him up so she can give him a bruising kiss as a final humiliation to seal the deal. The rain pours on them both steadily, sheets of water streaming over Namie’s dry skin and clothes until she’s almost as wet as he is. Izaya bites into her mouth as much as he can manage, though she doesn’t seem to mind. Just as it begins to grow more heated, Namie pulls away.

“You’re the worst.”

She plants one final victory kiss on his exposed collarbone, which is peeking out due to the weight of water pulling down his shirt, before she steps back inside. Izaya slinks in behind her, still a little shocked at what he’s going to have to do, though he’s already thinking of ways he may be able to pull one over on her.

“I know,” Namie’s voice is light as she agrees and strips off her wet shirt, “Better go tell Shizuo the good news right now, then. Might as well start there first, huh?”

And with a final clack of her heels, she saunters off to the bedroom to go grab a fresh change of clothes, leaving behind a mortified Izaya standing dripping wet and jaw dropped open by the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was the title a misnomer, or did Izaya end up with an angry bone? I'll leave that up to your imaginations


	3. Aoba/Kururi & Mairu - Snowballed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh what. I wrote about some other characters for once...Rated G! A prompt from a while back.

“Don’t you dare throw that snowba - ow!”

Girlish giggles filled the crisp winter air as Kuronuma Aoba wiped away the slushy frigid remnants of snow and ice from his face.

“Ah, goddammit!” he exclaimed, annoyed, as he noticed how soaked his uniform had become even through his jacket, his soppy sleeves sticking to him uncomfortably from the aggressive way Mairu had been flinging snowballs at him for the past 5 minutes or so.

“Victory~!” Mairu pumped a fist into the air, cheeks red with exertion and from the cold. She turned towards Kururi, who was rolling snow for a different reason entirely – to make a small snowman quietly while Mairu obliterated Aoba with snowballs. “Did you see that Kuru-nee?! It was a direct hit!”

Kururi frowned, the falling snow sticking to her damp face and making it difficult to see through her weighed down lashes.

“Congratulations…forceful…” (Congrats, but don’t you think it was a little harsh?)

Mairu blinked at her sister and then put a hand on her hip, breath visibly swirling out of her mouth like smoke.

“Hey, just whose side are you on here, huh?!” She thrust an accusatory finger towards Aoba, whose eyes widened, wondering what in the world he could have done to deserve this. “He’s the enemy right now, Kuru-nee! It’s every man and woman for themselves during snowball fights, don’t you know anything??”

They were in Ikebukuro West Gate Park. Aoba had followed the two girls after school since they had insisted that he come with them to grab something to eat. It wasn’t until he’d been attacked by the first snowball (right on the back of his neck, so hard he was sure it was still red) out of no where that he’d realized the devious twins’ true intentions. As he narrowly avoided another snow-bomb by twirling around at the last minute, he was starting to regret coming with them so naively.

These were Orihara Izaya’s sisters after all, he thought with a sigh when an ice chunk grazed his elbow. Although, at least Kururi seemed to be content with just making her snowman instead of trying to make him into one.

“Alright, that’s enough! I thought we were going to eat, not do _this_!” Aoba spluttered when unfortunately he wasn’t able to dodge the perfectly aimed ball that Mairu shot immediately afterwards, which hit him in the face again.

“We can eat after I have officially destroyed you!!” Mairu yelled cheerfully, packing an extremely large wad of snow in between her gloved hands. She had just wound her arm back to pitch it into the air when a firm weight on her shoulder stopped her.

“Sister…noisy…cease…” (Stop. You’re being annoying.)

Mairu pushed her lip out into a pout, but let her arm drop back down. Aoba sighed in relief, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

“Hmph! You never let me have any fun, Kuru-nee!”

Kururi didn’t turn around as she walked away from her sister and towards Aoba, who stiffened, unsure if she would suddenly reveal some hidden icy ammunition as a surprise attack. Luckily, it appeared she had no interest in that game as she simply reached up a hand to brush away a chunk of snow that was nestled in Aoba’s hair.

Before Aoba could properly respond - currently frozen by their close proximity, his cheeks flushing wildly – Kururi grabbed his hand and intertwined her gloved fingers with his numb and wet bare ones. She sent a small smile his way that had the rest of the snow melting off his overheated face.

“Cold…go…” (I’m cold. Let’s go eat now.)

Mairu immediately strode over and latched onto Kururi’s free hand on her other side as they started to walk away. She had considered just breaking the two apart, but she noticed how happy Kururi seemed so she decided against it, despite the rise of jealousy she felt within her.

Even though Mairu jabbered nonstop on their way to the cafe, Aoba felt like he could care less as he leaned into the warm touch of the pretty girl beside him.

_Maybe I should get into snow fights more often._


	4. Shizuo/Izaya - The Finest Jaw in all of Ikebukuro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another kiss meme prompt. rated T, raijin days

The mouth at his ear isn’t exactly unwelcome, but it _is_ unexpected.

“Guess who,” says a low, playful voice into it, breath a whisper of seduction as the owner of it claps their hands over Shizuo’s eyes, body pressed up uncomfortably close behind him. 

Shizuo jumps slightly in his chair when a warm tongue circles the shell and moves unabashedly down to nibble his earlobe, and his grip tightens around the textbook in his hand, on edge to say the least. Shizuo is thankful for the thin barrier separating their bodies, although he can clearly feel the incredible heat radiating off the other. 

Luckily, the classroom is empty, and Shizuo had just been straggling behind to gather his books and write down a few extra notes. Still, he’s not too keen on the idea of putting on a show for anyone unlucky enough to stumble back into the room at a moment’s notice.

“Flea,” Shizuo growls, tipping his head back and aiming an uppercut to where he imagines the pest’s smirking face to be - which comes into view just as obnoxious as he’s envisioned it when Izaya removes his hands to dodge his fist.

“Oh, good guess, Shizu-chan! But, you did cheat a bit, didn’t you? You peeked!” Izaya twitters, dancing away from a clumsy kick Shizuo half-heartedly throws his way when he stands up, face still red and more than a little flustered by the memory of that snarky mouth working over his skin. 

He can only hope Izaya doesn’t notice as he busies himself with stuffing the rest of his papers hurriedly into his backpack.

“How could I even cheat? I can smell your smarmy ass from miles away.”

Izaya stuffs his hands into his pockets, sidling up still much too close for comfort as Shizuo slings his backpack over his shoulder with a snort and begins to walk away. Even with his short ass legs, he manages to stride in time with Shizuo, much to the blonde’s chagrin.

“Ah, so you knew I was there the whole time, and yet, you made no move to stop me,” Izaya chances a side glance at Shizuo, grin morphing into something more predatory when he notices the faint dusting of pink on his cheeks, “You’re as interesting as ever, Shizu-chan.”

“Yeah, well,” Shizuo grumbles, speeding up to make Izaya put more effort into keeping up with him, “The fuck do you even want, anyway. I’m going home, so buzz off.”

“Oh, well that’s too bad, then…” Izaya feigns a pout, trying to look as forlorn as possible. He knows either way that the act won’t go unnoticed by Shizuo, and that whether it’s a genuine expression or not hardly matters because Shizuo has a soft spot for when he’s wearing it. Just as he guessed, Shizuo sneaks a look at him, interest peaked.

“Huh, and why’s that..?”

“ _Well,_ I wanted to let you know that I had the house to myself since my sisters are with our grandparents all weekend, but _clearly_ if you’ve got better things to do, then I suppose I can have just as _pleasurable_ a time _alone_.”

Izaya turns abruptly at that, intending on continuing in the opposite direction to leave out the back entrance, a showy move considering he doesn’t have his shoes yet. He can hear a deep, elongated sigh before Shizuo predictably calls after him.

“…Dammit. Fine, whatever.” 

Shizuo whips his head back and forth, making sure no one is around. Even though he confirms that the hallways surrounding the shoe locker they’ve made it to are obviously empty, he moves closer to Izaya, lowering his voice to a mere whisper.

“I’ll…meet you over there later, okay? I’ve got to make sure Kasuka gets something to eat for dinner,” Shizuo fiddles nervously with the strap of his backpack, and Izaya’s face brightens, always one to enjoy seeing Shizuo uncomfortable, “and I’ll bring the, uh…y’know… _things_.”

“That’s very nice of you to offer, Shizu-chan, but I actually just bought some con-”

A hand claps over his mouth so fast and hard, Izaya teeters off balance for a moment. He wastes no time in licking a slobbery trail across Shizuo’s palm in retaliation, laughing loudly at Shizuo’s disgusted face when he pulls his hand away as if he’s just been burned, wiping it dramatically on his pants.

“Gross, Izaya, what the fuck…”

“That’s funny, I thought Shizu-chan knew better by now not to put his body parts anywhere near my mouth if he doesn’t want me to take it as an invitation.”

This time the kick Shizuo aims at him is much more serious, but as usual Izaya dodges it by the breadth of a hair.

“Relax, relax, I’m going, I’m going,” Izaya flips him a peace sign, smiling cheerily, and it almost looks as if he is just going to go to his locker and let Shizuo have some peace for once. Instead, he scrunches his face up, making a point of staring in amusement at Shizuo’s jaw.

“What?”

Izaya brings a hand to his mouth, giggling. 

“Let me guess, you had pudding for lunch, huh?”

The glare Shizuo sends him is absolutely electrifying, but at the same time, hard to take seriously as he roughly rubs at his face with his shirt sleeve. Izaya continues ridiculing him to the point he’s practically doubled over with laughter, watching Shizuo flounder until finally he offers to put him out of his misery.

“Here, just let me get it.”

Shizuo wants to protest, but the prospect of walking around Ikebukuro with food on his face is a humiliation he’d rather avoid. He leans down a little so the short bastard can reach him, and Izaya lifts a hand up…

…and then promptly moves his face closer instead, peppering as many kisses as he can get away with across his jaw before Shizuo uproots a locker and sends it flying at his dumbass face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> never forget, there will never be a time where Izaya is not canonically lusting after Shizuo's jaw


	5. Shinra/Izaya - Tickled Pink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RATED M, FOR MMM GOOD SHIT

“Shinra,” Izaya groans, exasperated, “Stay _still_.”

“Can’t - " Shinra bites his lip as a hand grazes across his stomach again, before another laugh escapes him, “pffft, hahaha!”

This time, Izaya’s prepared for the literal knee-jerk reaction of Shinra’s foot flying up at him, and he shifts out of the way from between his thighs. With a roll of his eyes, he grabs Shinra’s ankle and forces the limb back down a little more forcefully than is necessary.

“Sorry,” Shinra says with a smile, eyes gleaming brightly and not looking sorry in the least. 

They are never going to get anything done at this rate.

Izaya runs a hand through his hair, frustration laced into the movement and showing clearly on his face as he sits back on his knees. Shinra moves to sit up halfway by propping himself on his elbows, cocking his head to the side as he waits eagerly for the insult Izaya will probably throw at him next. 

Izaya misinterprets the look, of course, but that’s only natural - Shinra’s observing him closely with that awkward stare as if he’s watching an interesting specimen evolve under a microscope instead of acting as turned on as he actually is from seeing Izaya exposed like this.

“Alright, apparently this is a no-go if you can’t even handle some mild foreplay. Should have known trying to do something like this with you would be a huge waste of time, as usual.”

“Well, I’m sure I could say the same, Orihara-kun. Anything I do with you is definitely a waste of my time, too, ahaha!” 

The glare Izaya sends him in response is extremely rewarding, not to mention the fact it only makes his excitement grow more. Izaya doesn’t seem nearly as thrilled, his erection already beginning to die down and crossing his arms over his bare chest in a huff. 

Shinra reaches over to stroke him a few times, coaxing it back to life so he can enjoy the way Izaya’s eyes flutter open and shut followed by the pleasing little noise he always makes whenever he thumbs the head just _so_ , before Izaya smacks his arm away and ruins all his fun.

“No, we are going to do this _my_ way this time. I want to touch _you_ for once, and not just in certain areas because you’re too damn sensitive elsewhere.” 

Izaya rakes his eyes over Shinra’s body, flesh pale and inviting, but only taunting him more with the fact that every time he tries something, Shinra collapses into a fit of violent laughter. It’s really not helping his fragile ego out any, either. 

He puts a hand under his chin, pensive as he tries to think of how to get what he wants, “There’s got to be a way around this…”

“Hmm,” Shinra hums, lying back down with his hands behind his head and arching his back just the tiniest bit as a tease, “Well, I would say that it appears I have hypergargalesthesia, since light touching usually seen in knismesis appears to provoke such a great response, but…”

“But..?” Izaya prompts, pretending like he understands the medical jargon since he knows asking too much will most likely get Shinra started on a tangent.

“…I’ve always thought it could be that I’m just weird, and react oppositely. So, in that case, perhaps touching like one would in gargalesis will work, or at least provoke a more beareable reaction.”

“You are weird. So what exactly do you want me to do then?”

“Add more pressure with your movements,” Shinra suggests, then adds as an afterthought, “Also, try using something else, like…your mouth. The dampness might help. The dry skin-on-skin contact is probably what’s making it so bad.”

“Wait, _what_?“ Izaya’s eyes widen, his tone incredulous, "Seriously?! So you’ve thought about this _before_ , and the solution could have been this simple all this time..?!”

Shinra shrugs and closes his eyes, acting as aloof as possible. Sure, well of course he _could_ have said something earlier, but where would have been the fun in that? There’s nothing quite like seeing Izaya lose his cool, rare as it is - it’s a look he wears well.

_Though, what doesn’t he look good in, I wonder..?_ Shinra considers for a moment before he’s jolted back to reality when a pressure is added to his thighs.

Shinra’s eyes are open in an instant, a bit taken aback. A smile filled with all the cruelty in the world is plastered across Izaya’s face as he straddles Shinra, looming above him with a mischievous glint in his eye.

“If this works,” he hisses lowly, wrenching Shinra’s arms out from behind his head and pinning them to his sides, “Then I am going to take my time teasing you all night until you’re _begging_ me to stop to make up for every other time I couldn’t.”

Before Shinra can antagonize him more, that vicious mouth is on him, biting down hard on his neck. With a loud cry, he cants his hips as Izaya sucks and nibbles his way across his chest and farther down firmly over his stomach with a dizzying amount of force. 

There’s not even so much as a giggle now, just the sound of his breathing growing more labored and small, embarrassing noises tumbling out one after another. Izaya pauses only briefly to stare in quiet victory at Shinra from beneath his eyelashes, before he peppers a series of wet kisses along the jutting bone of his hip, swirling his tongue out over the most sensitive area he’s been dying to touch properly for months.

Shinra chokes back a moan, struggling futilely against Izaya’s hold on him, to which he responds to with digging his nails into his wrists.

This time, the laughter that follows is from Izaya, and he gets right to work making good on his promise for the rest of the night.


	6. Shizuo/Izaya - おまえ、ウザそうだな　(You are annoying)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated T, cause Izaya is an obnoxious perv. Created due to Moth's prompting, and based off of dumb Japanese dialogue Kei and I wrote from the fact that Izaya uses way too much onomatopoeia, ugh

“Shizu-chan…can’t you feel it?”

Yeah, he _can feel_ his patience leaving him and fucking off to somewhere far away, probably floating around in space at this point. He _can feel_ the way his temperature rises and heat burns through his veins with anger. Izaya notices that his face is a giant blotch of red rage and continues spewing bullshit, mouth curling up happily.

“I’m getting excited…please touch me…ahh, there, that’s good…my skin feels smooth, doesn’t it?” Izaya gasps over the words, his breath hitching and causing his voice to sound higher and whinier near the end of his sentence, “I know you like touching it, but come _on_ , hurry up and just fuck me already…” 

Shizuo resists the urge to bash his stupid face in, grip tightening around the cushion of the couch. He breathes in steadily, and counts back from 10. With each number, he imagines hurting Izaya in different ways - at 9 he’s shaking him like a ragdoll by the throat and watching happily as his eyes bulge out of his head, and by the time he’s down to 1 Izaya’s body is a bruised and broken unidentifiable mess at his feet. This little technique to calm down doesn’t help all that much since the object of his annoyance is still in the same room and very much alive and in one piece, but he’s able to keep from resorting to violence for now.

He chooses to just threaten it instead. 

“That’s enough, shut the fuck up already! If you don’t stop talking like this, I’m going to bash your fucking teeth in!”

Izaya frowns, pausing in his movements. He breaths out a sigh, repositioning himself.

“Well now, that’s not very nice,” he points to his face, jutting out his lower lip into an infuriatingly obnoxious pout, “Why would you do that? Just look at me. Don’t you like my face?”

“Yeah, but right now I’d prefer it with a bag over it. Or maybe just my fist through it,” Shizuo cracks his knuckles, not turning around but knowing that Izaya is watching the terrifying grin spread across his face, “I’ll let you choose that part, I guess, if you can’t shut up.”

Shizuo knows even before he stops talking that there’s no way Izaya is going to let him have peace tonight, considering he’s been bothering him nonstop since he got back from work. Predictably, Izaya giggles.

“D-don’t keep me waiting, Shizu-chan…ah, need it now…” 

His voice seems strained and somewhat breathless, and Shizuo picks up the remote to turn up the volume again, fighting the urge to give into his blatant distractions.

“Wow, Shizu-chan’s dick has gotten so big already! Well, I guess I’m not the only one who’s excited, huh? Mmm, _fuck_ …”

Even with the TV practically blaring now, Shizuo hears the rustling of papers behind him, the thud of something hitting wood, and the unmistakable sound of skin smacking against skin.

This is wrong, all wrong. He had just wanted to come home, eat, and maybe fall asleep while watching TV without any interruptions. But apparently, if he wasn’t giving Izaya 100% of his attention, he wasn’t allowed to even have that.

He’s at a pivotal scene in some kid’s movie now where a dinosaur called Heart is using his badass martial arts moves to defeat that bastard dino Gonza, which is _definitely_ more worth his time than…than _whatever_ that nasty little tick is up to at his desk.

“As soon as you go to sleep tonight, I’m going to throw you out the window - bed and all.” 

“Oh, scary, scary!! Please, lick me _here_ ,” the moan that follows certainly _sounds_ real, and Shizuo catches another loud _thump_ as the characters on screen pause in their conversation.

That’s _it_. The fighting scene ends, and he’s decided - he’s not going to let the louse pervert his precious TV time anymore! Rising to his feet furiously, his voice is a barely restrained roar as he finally turns around, “What the fuck are you even doing, you disgusting piece of shi…t…”

And there’s the vermin in question, sitting innocently at his desk, fully clothed and typing away at his keyboard like he didn’t just spend the last half hour moaning and making lewd noises like some low rate porn star.

“What?” he asks like he doesn’t know, eyes glinting mischievously as Shizuo stomps towards him, his face red for entirely different reasons now.

“Just what…how…but you…” he splutters, banging a fist down on Izaya’s desk hard enough that an empty tea cup on it goes flying off and crashing to the ground. Izaya only looks slightly less amused at the loss, and still manages to chuckle.

“Oh…Shizu-chan thought I was doing something dirty, didn’t he? How perverted!”

“You little shit, did you seriously…” Shizuo spits incredulously as he eyes one of Izaya’s hands which he’s noticed has a suspiciously red palm, “…were you…really just sitting here, smacking yourself and the desk…to… _what the fuck_ , flea…”

Izaya doubles over with laughter at that, pushing back from his desk so he can spin freely in his chair like an idiot. It’s clearly a poor decision, though, because Shizuo grabs his chair and pushes it with all his might, sending him flying straight into a wall at top speed.

With the pleasing sounds of Izaya crying out in pain filling the air, Shizuo heads up the stairs to go to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 怖い怖い！　ここにペロペロにしてください！
> 
>  
> 
> btw, the movie referenced is "You are Umasou" ([おまえうまそうだな](http://myanimelist.net/anime/9204/Omae_Umasou_da_na)) and it's a damn good movie ok so it's understandable why Shizuo's annoyed. The title "You are annoying" is a play off of it - it's a pun, uzasou (you seem annoying) instead of umasou (you look delicious). Double double meaning added I guess when you think about how Izaya's nickname in the Japanese fandom is Uzaya, haha.


End file.
